You're still a moron. It's just that now you're $100k in debt. Happy Graduation. Moron.
The academic psyche is a strange thing.

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Happy Birthday.
Bein' born ain't a bowl of cherries! Havin' babies ain't exactly a walk in the park, neither. Congratulate the birth-team on their hard work!
Dude, that sucks. Get well soon.
Wish him/her well with this heart-warming "get well soon" card. Laughter heals!
I love it when you try new things. It's fun to watch you crash and burn!
Lift their spirits after that terrible presentation last week. Let them know how fun it is to see them fail!
You look ridiculous.
You know that guy/gal who always has to "express" themselves with their clothes? This card's for them.